11 Apr

Since surrendering and opening up my being, I find myself adrift amid a tumultuous sea of light and darkness. Emotions pull at my heart like a buoy line against the waves, stirring up memories both wonderful and distressing. It’s difficult to stay afloat, to keep my mind steady and open. I want to sink beneath the waves, drown out the pain, but in doing so I sacrifice the light. I’ve been here before, though I’ve never made it to my ship. I’ve always ended up sinking beneath the waves into the arms of the sea to try and float another day.

The light in me is a true gift, a blessing. I know I would not be here without it. When I’ve cut my lifelines out of fear and pride (one day I hope my friends will forgive me) the light dimmed but never went out. I saw my ship disappear beneath the horizon along with the loved ones I stopped from helping me. I was sure my light would leave me as all things had before (whether by their will or mine), but it persevered and so… so did I. It is this light in me, but more importantly, in everything that fosters infinite joy. I know it is good, but I fear it. I do not understand it. It can be a small smoldering ember or a brilliant and blinding spectacle; I fear of the possibilities of such a wonderful thing. I must let go of this fear to reach my ship and harness my light.

The darkness comes in waves of sorrow and pain from old wounds time covered up but never fully healed. Childhood shadows and my own self-centered blunders ripple out into the sea adding to the fray. Oddly though, I am alone and comfortable here. I know this pain. I know these wounds. I’ve shed these tears. I know I can survive this.

But life was not meant to be survived, it was meant to be lived! I need to overcome my fear and embrace the light; I need to drop my weights and swim.

As easy as it is to write, the task ahead of me is daunting. My sense of self-worth is stunted at best after years of self-bashing and positive reinforcement of such self-wrecking behavior. I set sail from tainted harbors after the damage was dealt only to find myself in a storm of my own making. I cannot undo what has been done, but I am going forward with cautious and deliberate strokes.

I can see the light within me, now I must know it. The waves and storm will subside when I am able to let the darkness go.


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